Overwrite to Overthinking

We are consumed by what we think and feel more than what reality is. It’s the magic of the mind brought about by lack of serotonin. It’s the hormonal imbalance as in premenstrual syndrome or menopause or andropause. It’s the mental illness spiraling on and off. I am not a medical practitioner, but I came from a place of first-hand experiences.

I have often been told that I am an overthinker. I think before they actually happen. Perhaps it is the mechanism of trying to achieve perfection and being pessimistic as a defense mechanism. Despite this, I believe in hope. The hope that if you reach a dead-end, there’s another choice to begin.

Plans may not be perfect but we can try. That sometimes answers and closures are not as important as finding the will to live again. That reaching the finish line is as important as redirection. That detours, although it takes time, might do one good. That taking breaks and pauses might get you attuned to your health.

It’s been years since I finished law and it has been a long process of moonlighting. To some of my doctors it has been a trigger, but it was also a fear I needed to conquer. Many of my friends from way back often encouraged me to go for it although I knew I needed to keep up with the updates.

However, I do realize with the years I put in for the advocacy for mental health and writing that I used one or two of my legal thoughts and remedies for a dignified solution. I am still struggling to find that part, perhaps opt for a party list for mental health as considered by a pioneer friend who has dedicated his life for mental health.

I was ready to propose things anonymously to reach avenues within Congress or Senate. But with the looks of the turmoil setting in the Philippines, maybe it’s not yet time. But I do dream that the causes I tried slowly will not just be a random thing. As always, I believe in small steps.

I wanted to be a lawyer-politician when I was young, however, I realized working for justice along with politics may not be the way. With everything going on, politics is not just the answer. I have shied away from politics way before I got out of law school. I also shied away from becoming a social butterfly, because it didn’t give me the peace I wanted for my mental health.

I just wanted to be on my computer writing and learning stuff and finding ways to cope. But many times, while I have been in the comforts of my room I wondered how my fellows with mental illness ever get through with less favorable circumstances? I made it through but how about the others?

I realize that I needed to do something in my own ways, although I personally find it hard to be there for everybody. Seriously, it’s not even a one person’s job at all. Someone asked me, are you running for a political seat soon? No, I always believed I rather take my causes privately.

Sometimes, I get nominated for this and that, but I guess it more than disoriented me in my cause rather than made me whole. Working for mental health in a sense has been my own therapy as it is believed that it is the highest form of healing.

It may be true but other times it has been a trigger and frustration too. Then again, I realize triggers do make us know ourselves because they let us know what we can do – that we have to be challenged to know we can survive and turn out to be better persons.

I may have created commotions, inspirations or even objections. But I remind myself, I am not for everyone and that life is just as it is – an effort to live with a purpose.

I do hope you find yourself worthy in all this chaos and know that there is no one like you who can fill this spot in the world. Sometimes, we forget how worthy we are just to live.