Leslie Dulfo
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- Books - December 12, 2024
Trigger Warning!
This column talks about matters on mental health as an excuse, stigma, schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. In case this is may affect your emotional or psychological capacity, please reach the Baguio City Health Services Office Mental Health and Wellness Unit at 0919-069-6361, Department of Health CAR – Mental Health Unit at 0938-757-6458 and the Baguio General Hospital Psychiatry Unit at (074) 442-2365.
There was a time at a networking (a fond and not so fond word for many), that I found myself seated in front of the audience like my normal “pabibo self (as they say)”. The speaker/ trainer asked and looked in my direction (which eventually without any other nearing co-employees that day for it was one of my introverted days), “ What is the first thought you had this morning?”. My “chubibo self” this time said, “I didn’t want to wake up in the morning”. Well, actually I was trying to mean I didn’t want to get up in the morning.
Sometimes, for a mentally ill person which I refuse to hear but I’m getting used to sometimes such as being intentionally called “weird/ praning”, I take a deep breath and realize that my triggers are not really about me and those without my control really but a collection of varied things. Even people say, “it’s just an excuse”. Well, maybe it is or maybe, it’s not. But when it hits you, you feel the heavy head,the twitching eyes, the racing thoughts, the physical pains that may or may not be really there or even some “relapse” elements.
For some time, I thought I was managing better than a year. The medicines tapered down with hope would eventually lead me to not taking any medicines at all. But after a few crying spells I was triggered last March and impulsiveness I can’t control plus a triggered irritability it was time to consult again.
In my search for answers, my hallucinations were not there as they were before so I stated maybe it’s time to really get off the medicines. I have even googled my circumstance from Schizophrenia to Schizoaffective Disorder, realizing fully well that even in other countries like in the United States and the United Kingdom this sickness is just an uphill and downhill journey. The perk is – that I am lucky enough to be functional at all at this point in time.
They say, “It’s just an excuse”. But when it hits you, you never know how it’s going to be. You can’t stop your thoughts and even to a point – your actions until you find yourself even in trouble. That’s how hyperactivity or impulsiveness works or does not work well with the sleepless nights and heavy head. I can write 5,000 words overnight and go on writing more for a week. But after another week, I would just sleep during my lowest days.
This is why I don’t want to talk about mental health or “abnormal psychology” (the term only some counselors and psychometricians believe they can only talk about) for a fact because it’s a serious matter. Sometimes, you’re not going to understand it fully well until it hits you – real hard! The most that a person like me as a mental health advocate can do is to let you realize that you have it too! That’s when I know my mental telepathy works – jokingly!
I wish you hugs and kindness as I find my peaceful spot in this crazy buzzling world.