Carry On

Trigger warning topic on personal experiences on schizophrenia, maintenance medicines and overall health.

Should you need help on mental health, you can reach the Baguio City Health Services Office Mental Health and Wellness Unit at 0919-069-6361, Department of Health CAR – Mental Health Unit at 0938-757-6458 and the Baguio General Hospital Psychiatry Unit at (074) 442-2365.

I hate dead-ends and deadlines. I mean, who wouldn’t?

I have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia which amazingly or non-amazingly became Schizoaffective Disorder. I started taking maintenance medication more than 10 years ago. Since 2018, I have been maintaining the most minumum or littlest amount of medication possible at 5mg anti-depressant and 50 mg anti-psychotic  at every other day.

My advocacies, visits to my psychiatrist and coping strategies worked well so much or maybe a little bit that my doses were a bare minimum and I decided to take off from the medicines telling my psychiatrist that as long as there are no hallucinations, I will be fine.

However, after months of coming off from my medication, the struggle is real. I don’t only suffer from headaches but I also faced a couple of physical health problems plus the mood swings I have and triggers brought about by circumstances I am in, I refused to believe that I am in a relapse saying that I am managing everything well.

Well, maybe it was a farce and I was a farce. I checked into online communities with my fellow Schizophrenia warriors and saw that I am not alone. Coming off the meds after being lessened or tapered down isn’t a good try. Studies show that Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder are lifelong bearing of maintenance medication.

I have been overwhelmed, experienced burnout and felt easily tired many times. But there is no sense in stopping right? They say there’s no cure for this only a case to manage and live with it.

I ought to take my medications again. I used to believe that progress and healing is getting away from the medicines but I realize progress and healing may sometimes be accepting things as it is for my own good. I may not win or maybe I did win by trying somehow, but some things may work and some things may not.

A lot of people ask me, “Why do you need to share these things?” Beats me, I even ask myself that too. Maybe it’s to let everyone realize that I do exist, we exist, you exist and that these things happen. After all, mental health is not just some drama or laziness at all.

Remember that Filipinos who struggle with mental illness often suffer from Schizophrenia. To some, experiencing hallucinations may be the whispers of the devil. I will not hold you accountable for limiting beliefs, but remember to be empathetic many times.

I don’t know many times where I’m going. Life as it is at times, is difficult. But I guess, I will never stop trying despite how I think I’ve spent somewhat a part of my wasted years. You and I may be different but still we need to fight our own battles – the way we can.

May the fireflies find you where the butterflies can’t. May the inner light shine bright like a self-made firefly even if the butterfly beauty is not enough to give you light.

Now, subtly and elegantly, carry on. You deserve you!