Leslie Dulfo
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The greatest battle happens in a person’s head. The mind is a powerful thing so plant good seeds and water it with good thoughts.
CHOICE – big, meaningful and dynamic word. Perhaps one of the hardest things I ever disliked, take note, disliked but not hated about life is not having a choice. It is the feeling that you’re actually on a dead end and you’re stuck. This goes for everyone, I think. However, for those who have mental health problems – all the more that making a choice is hard. Why? It is because there is a legal barrier or a psychological reason to refrain from making a reasonable choice. The brain and your emotions may be clouded by fears, doubts, anxiousness and a combination of many negative thoughts.
I have been in constant battle of making choices many times in my life to the extent that I made people make choices for me. Sometimes, I base my decisions on what people tell me and the emotions it ignited within me. Sometimes, I try to just obey to prevent possible conflicts or maybe choose the lesser evil. Along the process, I have felt helpless many times and experienced more self-pity. Adding injury to the insult is my relentless mind and over-thinking prognosis with a sense of figuratively feeling a heavy head weighing down on me.
If there’s anything that has made me feel better now is that the belief that there is a choice I can take to eventually heal – a choice to find peace, a choice to be happy and a choice to be alive. Sometimes it’s a hard process, especially if you don’t have self-awareness and experienced hallucinations along the way. But just like any process and flow charts, it does take time to master and sometimes a temporary remedy is a dangerous dose. I chanced upon aspects on positive thinking many times or even the law of attraction but to my problematic mind, I ended escaping from reality.
I remember a friend reacting about my social media post one time, “You are so intelligent. You were able to conquer your mind – to determine what is real from what is not is a brave thing despite your disorder.” It was a compliment but somehow, I know, it took more than intelligence. It was a long process of combined coping mechanisms from my support system, my own beliefs and life’s lessons.
There was a time that if I see someone staring in my direction, I would assume that the person is trying to find something ugly and faulty about me or trying to vilify me. Vilify – big words, huh? During those times, I would try to look back with a snappy evil-eye. Other times also, hearing a loud laugh would make me think that people are laughing at me. Maybe to some point, it made sense considering that the world is sometimes harsh. But then, I managed to condition my mind to think that not all things are always about me and that not all people or opinions mattered to me. Sometimes also, I realize that people are just what they are – trying to work their own way to survive.
The one thing that gave me serenity is the willingness to learn and to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Serenity prayer, goes well for every faith, belief or religion. In truth, there will always be things that you can do and what you cannot do. In short, there will always be a choice. You just have to choose with empathy for yourself to begin with.
Empathy – this thought guided me to re-focus my energy and mind on reality. The same thing that I ask of you as you see anyone battling with depression, entering conflicts or having a mental disorder. As they say, everyone is battling a battle you know nothing about, so be kind.
Whatever war is happening in your head right now, you still have a choice to never give-up! You can do this! I trust you!